In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
