my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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