I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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