Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I cut my penus on the lid.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
