I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
