he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
