So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
