I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
