It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
