Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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