Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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