Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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