remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
