you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
