I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
