i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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