Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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