dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
