He disabled his match.com account in front of me
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
