I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
