Soap is not a condiment
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
