I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
