in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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