She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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