I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
