arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
