Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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