I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
