Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
