I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
