i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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