friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
