If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
