People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
