my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
