he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
