I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
