I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
