I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
