Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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