I accidentally had phone sex last night
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
