i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
