my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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