awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
