I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
