What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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