someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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