are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
