I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
