I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
