meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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